I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
