Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
