So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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