I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
