She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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