I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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