they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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