don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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