Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
