Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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