I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
