fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
