We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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