Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
