dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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