I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
