dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
