Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
