a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
