Will you blow on my dice?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
