you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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