No stitches, just platelets and will power
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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