My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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