I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i've created a new STD.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
