the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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