i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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