i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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