im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We talked him into tasing himself.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
