pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
