dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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