I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I party with great urgency now.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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