Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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