I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yo dont text me then not text me
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
