Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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