Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
