I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Randomize
