she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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