so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
