my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
