I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
