Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
