God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
