she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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