If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
