If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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