dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
