I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
