Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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