Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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