Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
